Getting Closer

So I used to do things for all the wrong reasons, and it wasn't until I lost everything that I even realized why I did the things I did.

SO much of my life has been me making decisions based on what other people would think or approve of (acknowledging how much I needed others approval, often at the cost of my own was a hard truth to face). I became the teacher my students needed me to be, the family member others needed me to be, the friend people needed me to be, the lover men needed me to be, even (and this is perhaps hardest to say) the writer others needed me to be....and it's my doing. I trained people that I would bend for them, losing myself in the process...little bits at a time.

I used to hide behind my weight. I used to wear it like a badge...if they can't accept me as I am then who needs them. I would reject them before they got the chance to know me or reject me. This gave me a semblance of control. It also left me lonely and vulnerable to men who tried to change me. I am now working on losing weight, on getting healthier...but I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it so when I go on book tours, I fit in an airplane seat and don't get winded when I walk to my seat at my book signings.

I used to hide behind being a teacher. I was sure I didn't have time to date or be in any kind of relationship because I needed to be the best teacher I could be. As a result of this, my students were the only people I talked to. This has caused me problems in my personal life on multiple levels.

I used to hide as an author...writing what was safe and acceptable. I used to have people's voices in my head as I would write and while I was never disloyal to the story, I would change things if I thought someone might not approve.

It's an amazing feeling to be free. To not worry about anyone's approval but my own, and what I have found...is that it has brought and kept the most amazing people in my life. It has made me a stronger woman, a more balanced teacher, and a more authentic writer. And I love it.