No more fear
This morning I woke up and I felt like I could breathe again...felt like I could write again. What an amazing feeling to know not only what the problem is, but also what the solution is as well.
I have lived too much of my life in fear, I have lived too much of my life telling myself what I do and do not deserve...I have lived too much of my life hiding. I never wanted to disappoint anyone -- or let them down in anyway. I should really learn to include myself in that group. I should learn not to disappoint or let down myself as well. Fear has kept me from truly living my life...well there is no more fear.
I have been afraid of success. I have been afraid I couldn't love or didn't deserve to have two careers that fulfill me. I have been afraid I had to EITHER be a teacher OR an author. A friend (many friends actually) asked me if the reason for the delay in publishing Arianna's Destiny was because of a fear of success as an author. I laughed it off each time, but this morning I acknowledged the hold that fear has had on me. I have published three novels. I am going down the road of embracing the author life, and it's new and it's different and it's scary, but there's no more fear. I can fully embrace my present as a teacher and an author just as surely as I can embrace my future as a teacher and an author.
I have mentioned before that I get in my own way at times. It seems I have stumbled again, but now I know the cause of the stumble, and that cause is fear...fear of success...fear of living the life I have always wanted...fear of being the person I have always wanted to be. That fear stops now.
I took a long look in the mirror this morning...something I seldom do, but am going to start doing more often. I am going to continue to publish more novels (the goal for First Down is November/early December). I'm going to embrace both careers. I'm going to be financially successful and debt free. I am going to allow myself to love people regardless of what comes next. I am going to be the person, the teacher, the author I truly am, with no more hiding. I am going to live...with no more fear.